Shashi Warrier | What’s The Donald Good For: Nobel or Guinness?

By Shashi Warrier

When Murthy turned up on my doorstep on an evening in the middle of June, I was taken aback, for I hadn’t opened a bottle of his favourite Scotch. I was even more surprised when he announced that he was off liquor for the time being. “There’s been a death in the family,” he said, “and I mustn’t drink until the rituals are over, which will be in 10 days.” “Right,” I said, leading him into the sitting room wondering what I could offer him. “Prita’s gone shopping so I can’t offer you much…” “I’ve not given up tea yet,” he said as he sat down, as if reading my mind. As I turned to go to the kitchen, the doorbell rang again, and, this time, there were Kala and Kapil smiling on the doorstep. They had been our neighbours for several years until we moved into our present house, and were on their way back home from a nearby temple. Both are professionals, and —unlike me — keep abreast of world events, especially after their daughter went off to Australia to do a degree in management. After they had all sipped their tea and lied about it being satisfactory, the talk died down because all of them would have preferred a livelier drink. All the same, the conversation woke up when it turned to conflicts around the world, and then to Pakistan. “This Field Marshal Munir is despicable!” said Kala,. “He’s willing to bend over backwards to get Trump a Nobel! And Trump, of course, is willing to sell his country for flattery and expensive ‘gifts’! So now they’re in bed together and don’t care if the rest of the world goes up in flames because of them.” “Look at it from Munir’s point of view,” said Kapil reasonably. “America’s been in bed with the Pakistanis, off and on, since the 1950s. They created the Pakistani military establishment. They gave them advanced weapons. They created and fed the Afghan Taliban as long as the Soviets were in Afghanistan. Then, for a decade, they ignored them until Musharraf joined Bush in the war on terror. “But then the Pakistanis got into bed with the Chinese. Their weaponry, which was mostly American, became four fifth Chinese. That doesn’t sit well with the Americans. And now the Pakistanis have discovered, in the course of Operation Sindoor, that Chinese weapons aren’t so great, after all. So they’re trying to rebuild the bridge with the Americans. The easiest way to do that is to flatter Trump.” “The point being?” asked Kala. “The point being that the Americans created the environment in which Pakistan became what it is,” replied Kapil. “The point is also that Trump represents post-WWII America better than any other president they’ve had recently. Greedy, obnoxious, and without conscience. Look how he took that $400 million plane from the Qataris.” “Are you saying that Trump is worse than Munir?” asked Kala. “It’s not a matter of better or worse,” replied Kapil. “Trump is more dangerous. Munir is just a tool. Trump is the man paying for Munir’s services.” “What do you mean dangerous?” asked Kala. “He’s causing upheavals around the world,” said Kapil. “More deaths… Just like his predecessors.” “I thought Obama was less dangerous!” said Kala.” “I think he was worse,” said Kapil. “He’s charming, but a snake. Trump is a toad that likes to flaunt its warts. It’s difficult to choose between the two.” “What about Obama’s Nobel?” asked Kala. “Didn’t he deserve it?” “Not if you count the war dead during his terms,” said Kapil, “or the deportations. So the Nobel’s already been cheapened. Giving it to Trump won’t cheapen it much further.” “But I don’t understand!” Kala said. “The Pakistanis are in bed with the Chinese, and with the Americans, but the Chinese and the Americans are enemies. The Pakistanis and Iranians are friends, but the Americans just bombed the Iranians with the largest bombs ever used. So how does that work?” “Easily,” replied Kapil. “Everyone’s pretending. The Pakistanis are backstabbing everyone, which they’ve been doing ever since 1947. The Americans have become great at backstabbing their allies: Kissinger himself said that America has no friends or enemies, only interests. The Iranians will swallow their pride as long as they can live to nuke Israel another day. The Chinese want to go back to being the world’s manufacturing hub and get rich quick. “But all this aside, there’s one thing most of them agree upon.” “What’s that?” asked Kala. “None of them likes the idea of a powerful India,” replied Kapil. “Pakistan for obvious reasons. China because it doesn’t like competition. America sees India as a threat a decade into the future, and, besides, isn’t sure of India’s military abilities. So they’ve all got a common aim, and they’ve roped in Bangladesh in as well.” “So where is it all going to end?” asked Kala. “They’re all opportunistic, expert backstabbers, toadies, and bullies,” said Kapil. “They’re all transactional, except the Chinese. With any …

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