SEX FILES: Relationship red flags aren’t always as they seem – 1v1 Video Chat & LIve Streaming & Influencer Subscription

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A few weeks ago, I was out for brunch with a group of friends when the conversation naturally turned to dating. My friend Elise started telling us about a man she’d recently met. As she recapped their first, second, and third dates, she said they’d all gone swimmingly. But there was one thing she couldn’t shake: He seemed almost too good at communicating.

They talked about everything. At one point, Elise’s date opened up about the recent death of his father, which led her to share her own experience of losing a parent. The conversation felt effortless. It left her wondering: Had she met someone genuinely emotionally available, or was he just really good at saying all the right things?

With the explosion of TikTok dating influencers, everyone has become an armchair psychologist, on high alert for potential red flags. While being cautious when meeting new people is smart, there’s always a risk of overdoing it. In a dating culture obsessed with spotting what’s wrong, are we overlooking what’s right?

Emma Hathron, Dating and Relationship Expert at Seeking.com, thinks so.

“While social platforms like TikTok and Instagram have made conversations about dating and ‘red flags’ more accessible, they have also created a sense of quick-click diagnosis,” she said. “This type of disinformation, while entertaining, often lacks nuance and fails to be backed by data and expert advice. This leads to normal, and often healthy, behaviors being labeled as ‘red flags’ without the full context.”

For example, emotional vulnerability and effective communication.

Hathron adds, “As a result, many modern daters now interpret green flags as red simply because they’ve been conditioned to watch out for every behavior. This can create an over-analysis culture where emotional maturity is met with suspicion.”

However, social media isn’t entirely to blame. Hathron points out that in the current dating culture, detachment and “playing it cool” are often rewarded. In contrast, dating someone who expresses genuine interest and vulnerability can feel completely foreign and, in some cases, threatening for those used to game-playing and ghosting.

“We’re told to expect mind games or hot-and-cold behavior. So, when someone shows up and is emotionally mature or clear, this can be mistaken as manipulative because it goes against what we have been conditioned to believe is desirable,” says Dr. Janine O’Brien, a licensed clinical psychologist.

Our upbringing and previous relationships can also influence how we interpret other people’s behavior, particularly if these past experiences involved environments where chaos, inconsistency, and emotional unavailability were the norm, says O’Brien. As someone who spent most of their twenties seeking out dysfunctional relationships because they felt familiar, this makes perfect sense.

“Psychologically, it’s pretty simple: Most of us are walking around unhealed from previous dating experiences or traumas,” says relationship expert and bestselling author Shantelle Bisson.

If someone is accustomed to unhealthy relationship dynamics, they might perceive a healthy, emotionally intelligent person as a red flag, simply because they are unfamiliar.

When viewed through this lens, Hathron suggests that someone may be perceived as “difficult” or lacking interest when they set boundaries, but in reality, this shows they’re reliable, self-aware, and respectful of both their own needs and yours. Similarly, asking thoughtful questions or discussing relationship goals early on might seem like coming on too strong, but it reflects intentionality and a desire for meaningful connection.

While this brand of hypervigilance may seem harmless — after all, it’s better to be safe than sorry — it can create a self-fulfilling prophecy. Hathron says, “When a person constantly labels healthy behavior as problematic, they end up dismissing emotionally available people.”

For daters who want to become more discerning about what’s truly a red flag, the suggestion is to slow down and check in with oneself: How does your body feel before, during, and after interacting with a person? O’Brien says, “If you notice you’re feeling uneasy or tense, start to ask yourself the question of ‘is this feeling likely coming from there being a red flag or is it because it’s an unfamiliar experience?’”

Lastly, O’Brien encourages daters to look at red flags objectively. Is this red flag something that you don’t like (for example, they don’t have an Instagram), or is this a pattern of behavior that’s a threat to your emotional or physical safety (for example, being dismissive of your feelings or having issues with anger)? She also suggests daters explore their attachment style and how past experiences may impact dating.

“Sometimes the red flag isn’t them; it’s our fear of being truly known,” says O’Brien.