By Caroline West-Meads Editor
Q A good friend of mine, who has recently retired, often looks after her four-year-old granddaughter. I’ve noticed, however, that she can be intolerant and harsh with the girl, calling her clumsy and telling her off for not doing things her way. It is making me uncomfortable. I’ve said things like, ‘She’s just being a child’, but my friend says that children these days are too mollycoddled. I’m concerned that it will damage the little girl’s self-esteem.
I don’t know whether to say something to her daughter, who I also know, or try talking more directly to my friend. I know she is concerned about her husband’s health and wonder if this could be making her snappy.
A This is a sensitive situation. It’s difficult when someone tries to impose behaviour on a child in a way they think is right but which could be damaging. Your friend probably brought up her own daughter the same way. It sounds as if she is feeling overwrought or depressed, which can lead to shortness. So approach her with compassion and ask if she is feeling under pressure caring for both her granddaughter and husband.
Framing your comments around concern for the child’s development, rather than implying criticism, may help her hear you more openly. Explain gently how children thrive on praise and encouragement.
If things don’t change, consider speaking to her daughter. You could explain your concerns and say you think her mum might be under some stress. However, be cautious – if the daughter is in the same mould, she could react badly. Your concern is kind so I hope you can persuade your friend to soften her approach.
Q My youngest sister recently informed me that her daughter is getting married next summer, but said that our other two siblings and I would only be invited to the evening reception, not the actual ceremony. This has not gone down well.
She says the bride only wants a small wedding – mainly just her own friends. My sister and her family have always been invited to other family weddings in full and this seems a slight to the rest of us.
To make matters worse, a family member recently let slip that my sister won £1 million on the Lottery three years ago and that she goes on expensive holidays every few months and is always bragging about what she and her husband have. He is arrogant. This wedding snub is really eating away at me – and now this, too.
A I can understand why you feel upset. Let’s start with the money. I don’t know your relationship with your sister (or her relationship with your other siblings), but keeping her Lottery win secret suggests she is not close to you. I think most siblings would have wanted to share some of it. I can only speculate about her reasons for not telling the family. A generous explanation might be that sometimes people feel embarrassed about being more financially comfortable than loved ones because they know others can’t afford their lifestyle. A less generous reason might be that they don’t want to be asked for money.
However, that your sister has bragged to a family member suggests she is shallow and insensitive. I dislike great displays of wealth because many people live in real need and poverty, and I feel that people need to be kind and discreet if they are more fortunate. It is sad when people lose that sensitivity. Perhaps your sister didn’t start out that way. Maybe you were close once but years of being married to an arrogant man changed her. Or perhaps she is with him because she doesn’t have the emotional depth to seek kindness or warmth instead.
This brings me to the wedding. I can understand why you and your other siblings feel hurt by not being invited to the ceremony and it would not be out of place to say so – calmly.
However, perhaps you mind that your sister and niece don’t seem to value family connections as much as you would like them to. This is sad, but it might be just the way it is. Family cannot always be close – perhaps your sister is too different from you. So try not to let it eat away at you. Accept the decision and, along with your other siblings, have as nice a time as possible at the evening reception. Be charming and warm.
Hopefully your sister will see what she is missing and, if not, it really is very much her loss.