By Judith Martin
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am wondering if it would be crass or in poor taste to give a new widow a thoughtful sympathy card with money in it, rather than sending flowers.
A dear friend just became widowed in her late 40s after her husband鈥檚 somewhat lengthy and most unexpected illness.
My friend has been a stay-at-home mom throughout her marriage, and has no post-high school education. I鈥檓 sure she will get life insurance benefits, as her husband had a union job, and of course she can get Social Security benefits. But I imagine a good-paying job will be a challenge to find.
I find it impractical to spend a couple hundred dollars on a floral arrangement that will soon be dead, and would prefer to give her some money and a nice handwritten note. Is this acceptable?
GENTLE READER: Let us think about this for a second. A newly widowed young-ish woman receives a thoughtful letter from her close friend about her dearly departed husband 鈥 and cash falls out of it.
This is not a teenager鈥檚 birthday card from a well-meaning but emotionally unavailable grandpa. This is an adult woman who, higher education notwithstanding, wants to maintain her dignity after her husband鈥檚 death.
If his illness was lengthy (but also unexpected?), surely there was talk and arrangements made over how she would get on without him. And if not, some extra cash is not going to be worth the embarrassment of her thinking that her friends believe she cannot handle life on her own.
More meaningful than a hundred dollars, or the equivalent in flowers, would be that condolence letter 鈥 plus an invitation to dinner or companionship when she is ready. Having never navigated the world on her own, she may need assurance that she still has a supportive social circle.
Of course, if your friend immediately starts her own public fundraising platform, which she will undoubtedly do, Miss Manners will give up her self-righteous defense and humbly take it all back.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My family enjoys hosting casual open house-type parties. Whoever wants to stop by can do so at their leisure throughout the day, and we usually get time to visit one-on-one with our guests.
We always have plenty of food, but well-meaning friends who don鈥檛 want to show up empty-handed always ask, 鈥淲hat can I bring?鈥 My answer is always that there鈥檚 no obligation to bring anything, but they鈥檙e welcome to bring a bottle of wine or a treat to share if they鈥檇 like.
However, people tend to bring food and leave it behind, and our family couldn鈥檛 possibly consume all the leftovers before they spoil.
I don鈥檛 want to offend anyone by implying their treats aren鈥檛 good enough for us, but I also don鈥檛 want food to go to waste. What is the appropriate etiquette for party leftovers brought by a guest?
GENTLE READER: If freezing them or a neighborly giveaway is not an option, gently insist that guests take their food with them, saying, 鈥淭hese were delicious, but we couldn鈥檛 possibly consume them all. Can I give you back at least half?鈥
Of course, Miss Manners鈥 real advice is to avoid the problem entirely by being more insistent when they ask in the first place.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.