I hated being a mum the minute my baby was put on my chest

By Eleanor Noyce

Tawana had ‘no feeling of love’ when her baby was born in 2023 (Picture: Tawana Musvaburi / SWNS)

When Tawana Musvaburi was rushed to hospital with dizziness in February 2023, doctors thought she had kidney failure.

However, an ultrasound revealed that she was actually eight months pregnant – and just four weeks later, she gave birth to a daughter, River.

But after her baby was born, the new mum expected to feel a sudden rush of love. Yet, the reality was that she struggled to cope with the transition to motherhood.

‘I had no feeling of love when my baby was born,’ Tawana, 24, admits. ‘The minute she was put on my chest, I hated it,’ she says, adding that she started ‘resenting’ her daughter.

Instead, Tawana fell into the depths of postpartum depression.

Now, two years on, while she loves her daughter deeply, she admits she ‘still hates’ being a mum.

Tawana experienced a cryptic pregnancy (Picture: Tawana Musvaburi / SWNS)

Tawana, a full-time content creator living in Buckingham, was just 21 when she learnt she was pregnant, which she says was a huge shock. ‘I went from a young girl going out to a mum in four weeks,’ she says.

Since she had no idea she was expecting, she she’d been living a ‘partying lifestyle’, a fact that ‘scared’ her.

When she first told her mum, Chipo, 45, about her pregnancy, she was in complete ’disbelief’.

’She wanted me to have the best experience possible – she did a baby shower for me,’ Tawana recalls.

Tawana has found balance two years into motherhood (Picture: Tawana Musvaburi / SWNS)

While River arrived safely, it was the beginning of a tough journey for Tawana and her partner, Emmanuel Poku, 30.

‘I had thoughts of harming my child,’ says Tawana. ‘I was afraid to say it out loud – I thought I was crazy,’ she shares, noting that she was overwhelmingly ‘embarrassed’ by what she was experiencing.

‘I was so burnt out and focused all my energy on her.’

During the early days, River would lie in bed crying next to Tawana – and as she’d ‘mentally checked out,’ Tawana says she wouldn’t ‘hear her.’

‘Even when I was holding her, she was crying, and I was just looking at her, staring at her and watching her cry.’

Continuing to spiral, Tawana knew she needed help. She moved back in with her mum and stayed there for four months while she was struggling with her mental health.

’Mum eased me into motherhood. Now River calls my mum “mum” and me “mummy”,’ she adds.

She was also supported by Emmanuel, who Tawana says has a beautiful ’beautiful relationship’ with his daughter.

’If I’m struggling, he’ll fill in for me. If he’s struggling, I’ll fill in for him,’ Tawana says.

Together and with medical help, Tawana has been able to ‘manage life’ a little easier, and says a turning point came when she realised that if she kept putting herself ‘last,’ she would never ‘be the best mum.’

Tawana wants to be the ‘best mum possible’ (Picture: Tawana Musvaburi / SWNS)

Now, two years after the birth, Tawana still struggles to enjoy being a mum, and hates the fact that she has to stay at home.

‘I still hate it. I can’t be selfish. I can’t go out when I want. I can’t be spontaneous,’ she says. ‘If I want to go with my friends, it has to be planned months in advance.’

Likewise, she feels motherhood makes her ‘vulnerable,’ something which she resents.

‘I think “I’ll never be able to fully protect you.” That feeling is horrible,’ she adds.

But, Tawana adds: ‘I love my child so much. River never asked to be here – it’s not her fault. It’s nobody’s fault.’

She’s also been able to find some balance by making time for herself. River now goes to nursery three times a week, and Tawana uses the time to ‘sit in silence,’ a feeling which is ‘so precious.’

‘It’s for my mental health and to be the best mum possible,’ she says.

And despite her struggles, Tawana stresses that she’s always adored her daughter.

‘She’s a diva. She’s loud, bubbly, and full of personality,’ says Tawana. ‘She’s fabulous.

‘What would my life have been like if this had never happened? I’d never have it any other way.’

Support for postpartum depression

According to the NHS, postpartum or postnatal depression is a form of depression that parents can experience after having a baby.
It impacts more than one in 10 mothers within a year of giving birth, and though less common, it can also affect fathers and other partners.
The NHS website states that the main symptoms of postnatal depression include:

Persistent feeling of sadness and low mood
Loss of interest in the world around you, and no longer enjoying the things you used to
Lack of energy and feeling tired
Trouble sleeping at night
Feeling that you’re unable to look after your baby
Trouble concentrating
Loss of appetite
Difficulty bonding with your baby or having frightening thoughts about harming them
Thinking about suicide and self-harm.

If you’re experiencing symptoms, the NHS advises speaking to your GP practice, health visitors or midwife as soon as possible.

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