I wish I could say my equanimity was due to my years of Buddhist practice or my work as a spiritual director, helping people from different faith traditions on their spiritual journeys. Both require being comfortable with silence and gentle curiosity, and sure, that may have helped. But if I鈥檓 being honest, that鈥檚 way too rose-colored.
I know how feeling hurt and panicked can make us do things we might not normally do. Only a couple of weeks earlier, I had done something hurtful. After I found a large, unauthorized charge on my credit card, I had an enormous and embarrassing overreaction while on a phone call with a customer service representative. I wasn鈥檛 personally insulting 鈥 I acknowledged that I knew the charge wasn鈥檛 his fault 鈥 but I was, let鈥檚 say, loud.
At one point I heard myself yelling, 鈥淚F I DON鈥橳 GET MY MONEY BACK IMMEDIATELY, I鈥橫 GOING TO LOSE MY MIND!鈥 I was so angry that I almost didn鈥檛 hear him say the funds would be returned within a day. All the while, I was aware of a saner part of myself witnessing this colossal meltdown, and she was just shaking her head and saying, 鈥淥h, girrrrrrl. You鈥檙e being ridiculous.鈥 And I was, of course.
Afterward, when I had calmed down, I wondered how I had reached a DEFCON 1 level of anger so quickly and acted so poorly. Yes, I felt powerless at the hands of a negligent corporation, but it was more than that. Like many of us today, I feel helpless, especially as the policies of our current administration are beginning to affect me and my community. My immigrant friends worry that they will have problems returning to their home here if they dare visit family abroad. Other friends are concerned for the health and safety of their trans children. I worry that my family鈥檚 suffering in Cuba will only get worse. That my 91-year-old mother鈥檚 Social Security and Medicare benefits will be cut. That my partner鈥檚 kids will never be able to buy a home. That I鈥檒l never be able to retire. And so many others are facing so many other unthinkable challenges.
However, the more I thought about it, the more I realized the sad truth behind my outburst: My feelings of powerlessness were really rooted in the Stage 4 cancer diagnosis my partner had recently received. That customer service representative had no idea (and, honestly, neither did I) how deeply I was mourning the news that my time with this beautiful man 鈥 whom I had only started building a life with and whom I had waited so long for 鈥 may very well be cut short.
I have suddenly felt a complete lack of control, and I long for some way to have agency. But I don鈥檛, at least in respect to his diagnosis, and I hate it. I wondered if this teenager shares a similar feeling of powerlessness too. After all, they鈥檙e coming of age at a time when, instead of seeing a bright, shiny future ahead of them, they are faced with a world that is in many respects falling apart. I can totally see how feeling like that might cause a kid to sticker cars they feel represent that doom.
Until my partner鈥檚 diagnosis, I had taken great comfort in the feeling of being connected to something greater than myself 鈥 call it Spirit, the Universe, Nature, God 鈥 whose laws and workings are ultimately a kind of mystery that is way beyond the limits of my understanding.
I sometimes wish I believed in a personal god just so I could curse its cruelty, but my beliefs don鈥檛 run that way. I can鈥檛 fathom divine justice nor injustice in all this suffering. I only know there is Connection. So when I found myself standing in that parking lot listening to that young person who had just vandalized my car tell me their fears, my eyes welled up in recognition. We鈥檙e both angry and frustrated and feeling powerless, and we鈥檙e both craving empathy.
鈥淐an I give you a hug?鈥 they asked, tears in their eyes too.
I said yes and I felt our bodies relaxing as we embraced.
When they finally finished removing the sticker and left, I got into my car and sat quietly doing nothing for a moment.
My heart genuinely went out to that kid. I obviously don鈥檛 condone what they did, but I understand the anger that led them to do it.
During our conversation, we talked about our frustrations, about how to work for change more effectively, about the need for more compassion and community. I was in awe of how present and thoughtful they were, and I also could see how much they were struggling to do right too.