Each week, Prudence asks readers for their thoughts on the letters she’s received. Her reply will be available every Friday only for Slate Plus members. Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.
Hey Prudence,
Re Afraid: As a university professor, a lack of independence in my students is a huge problem right now.
I have students who have never been allowed to solve a problem themselves, never been asked to learn to deal with discomfort or failure, and never learned to take care of themselves. This father has good reason to be concerned. This is abuse of its own kind. Our job as parents is to teach our children how to be independent, capable adults. Regression in response to stress is one thing, but this father is describing a child who is helpless with her mother and more capable with her father. This sounds more like her mother’s needs are being met by this behavior, not the child’s, and it is harming the child’s development as an independent individual.
—Independence Is Important
Hey Prudence,
I disagree with your answer to Afraid. Mom is setting her daughter up for weaponized incompetence and to be bullied. Kids who don’t know how to manage their environment become anxious, and mom is creating unhealthy dependency (think of the story of the man who helps the butterfly emerge from its cocoon, which results in the butterfly’s death). I think Dad needs to do more to encourage independence with the “in this house” rule: We get our own breakfast, we put our clothes in the hamper, etc.
I think “abuse” is a bit too much to describe this situation, but I hear what these two comments are saying. I think some of the dismissiveness in my response was a reaction to the father indicating that he wouldn’t be doing much parenting because his current wife didn’t want to be involved with child rearing. I just suspected that the child’s current issues had more to do with her recent bad experiences (a divorce between two parents who aren’t collaborative and a dad who won’t make her a priority) than anything else. And frankly, I didn’t think the letter writer had standing to meddle too much or enough influence to do a lot of good: If the mother had written saying, “Should I keep raising my kid in a way that prevents her from knowing how to pour her own cereal?” I definitely would have said no.
Hey Prudence,
Re Nicotine Blues: I’m going to assume this wedding venue is a private club (they’re notorious for allowing smoking indoors). The default assumption for most people in the U.S. is that smoking isn’t allowed indoors; they’re used to going outside in the cold to smoke or vape!
But also, this is one of many times where “smoking versus nonsmoking” is going to come up. Will their home be a smoking or nonsmoking home for guests? If they have kids, will they allow smoking in the home by family members who smoke?
It’s not mean to kick the smokers outside to smoke. When you’re not used to the smell, it’s terrible and it gets stuck in the furniture.
—Just Say It’s Non-Smoking
This is such an important point about their future home! Maybe for the wedding, they should have registered for some kind of tent with heat lamps because inside—especially with kids—has to be a hard no.
Hey Prudence,
This is for MYOFB: I’m also a person who loves giving advice (although only to people who invite it in some capacity!). I’d strongly recommend your wife start putting some of her spare time and excess advisory energy into Reddit forums like r/NeedAdvice, as well as any others that fit any specific knowledge niche(s) she might have. I find it a great way to channel my desire to be helpful and to share the information I have to offer with people who are genuinely asking for it. If she gets it out there, and as a mentor, she might have an easier time keeping a lid on it in public.
—(Solicited) Advice Giver
Great idea. Fun fact: I used to read that stuff constantly until I got this job and scratched the itch professionally. I didn’t even write out responses—just giving advice in my head was enough.
Hey Prudence,
Re MYOFB: As a manager of many volunteer mentorship programs throughout my career, please: Do not send your wife to us as an outlet for this behavior. We screen out volunteers who are eager to “meddle, instruct, and correct,” as it negatively impacts the confidence and personal autonomy of the mentee (which most mentorship programs aim to increase).
Mentorship is a two-way relationship focused on shared trust, collaboration, and respect. While mentors do provide advice and guidance, the best mentors do so from a place of humility and curiosity.
His wife does not appear to exhibit behaviors resembling trust, respect, or collaboration, and would not be suitable for these programs until she develops at least some of those skills on her own time.
Damn it. I can’t argue with this. It makes so much sense. Thank you! Luckily, there is another idea above to replace my flawed one. We’re just going to send her to Reddit, where people have explicitly opened themselves up to the thoughts of strangers who want to “meddle, instruct, and correct.”
Hey Prudence,
Never Ask a Lady was concerned about the social dynamics of returning to college at 22. I want to echo your reassurance that in college, age ain’t nothin’ but a number. There are a lot of undergrads in their early 20s, so I don’t think that the letter writer will stick out as much as they think. Additionally, there are many non-traditional students of all ages taking all sorts of classes; the letter writer may not even be the oldest person in her class.
At 39, I’m still trying to complete my college degree. I’m old enough to be the (young-ish) mother of many of my classmates, and I’m probably closer in age to my professors than my peers, but I have made a lot of friends because of our common interests. I would encourage the letter writer to get involved in campus clubs and attend events as a way of meeting people, if she doesn’t connect with others in her classes. In my experience, university students, especially those on their own for the first time, can always benefit from having the wisdom and support of someone with more life experience. Many universities have mentor programs, which I think the letter writer would benefit from, both as a mentor and mentee. But even if there’s nothing formal, perhaps it would help Never Ask a Lady to think of herself less as the mom, and more like the cool older sister.
—39-Year-Old Undergrad
“Cool older sister” is perfect. Thank you for this perspective!
Hey Prudence,
Thank you for your thoughtful and compassionate response to “Stressed Mama,” who wrote about her fears around Lipedema, family history, and how to talk with her daughters about food, health, and body image. These are hard, nuanced questions, and your advice struck an important balance.
We’re writing from the Lipedema Foundation, a nonprofit that funds research and supports resources to better understand, diagnose, and treat this condition. Lipedema is real, common, and under-recognized. It’s estimated to affect millions of women, but like “Stressed Mama” described, many encounter medical dismissal, misdiagnosis, or shame rather than informed care.
We want her and your readers to know they’re not alone, and that resources do exist. Our website includes science-based information about symptoms, treatment options, and how to find providers who take Lipedema seriously. We also fund research to explore questions like: What causes Lipedema? Why is it often misdiagnosed? And hopefully, in the future, what new treatments might stop it in its tracks, or prevent it altogether?
Some (completely free!) resources that might be helpful:
Clinician’s Guide—great to share with your medical professionals in person or through a digital patient portal
We hope “Stressed Mama” finds clinicians who listen, and that she and her daughters feel empowered to navigate this journey with curiosity, confidence, and compassion.
—The Lipedema Foundation
I hope she sees this!
Classic Prudie
I’m a junior attorney in my late 20s. I work in a busy office that prides itself on work-life balance, and many of my co-workers have young children. Often, these co-workers leave at 4:30 or 5 on the dot to pick up their kids or attend their events, leaving me to stay late (up to several hours) to finish up work that needs to be done…