Dear Prudence is Slate鈥檚 advice column. Submit questions here.
Dear Prudence,
My boyfriend and I have been together for four years now. We鈥檝e never had any major relationship problems, have always been good at dealing with conflict, and have been considering getting married in the relatively near future. A few nights ago, he was talking about his family history, and a bomb dropped on everything.
It turns out we must be fourth or fifth cousins. This has honestly disconcerted both of us, but me more than him. I still love him, but I don鈥檛 think I can ever look at him in the same way again. I鈥檓 not sure if I want to go through with the marriage anymore. Please help, this has been the healthiest and happiest relationship of my life, but I can鈥檛 say I feel comfortable with it knowing I鈥檓 related to him, however distantly.
鈥擠oes It Count as Incest If We Didn鈥檛 Know?
Dear Does It Count,
It鈥檚 legal everywhere to marry a fourth or fifth cousin, and probably more common in smaller communities than you鈥檇 think. We are not talking about your brother here, or anything close to it! I think you鈥檙e fine. Maybe doing some reading on what does and doesn鈥檛 constitute incest would put your mind at ease. But if it doesn鈥檛 and you truly have the ick, that鈥檚 hard to talk yourself out of. So perhaps this relationship has run its course, and you should make it a practice to do family tree research on the fourth date from here on out.
Dear Prudence,
I鈥檓 a normal-ish person. I have a job that鈥檚 not too stressful, a couple degrees, family and a mortgage. I was diagnosed with ADHD 40 years ago and chose to be unmedicated. My problem is I talk to myself a lot.Not just an occasional, under-the-breath 鈥渨hat鈥檚 next?鈥; my internal thoughts get vocalized. I will be walking to the office downtown and the internal things-I-should-have-said dialog slips out. This is not a good look for me. I don鈥檛 hear voices, I have a reasonably good grasp of reality, but my imagination just gets verbalized too much.How do I stop?
鈥擮ne-Sided Conversations
Dear One-Sided,
If you鈥檙e worried about how you鈥檙e perceived when you do this, pop in some Air Pods鈥攐r even get one of those little mics that everyone is using in social media videos these days鈥攁nd let the people who see you on the street believe there鈥檚 an audience for your running monologue.
If you鈥檇 really like to stop, could you possibly distract yourself with music (humming along is probably a bit more socially acceptable than vocalizing every thought) or perhaps chew gum or pair your walking commute with an oil pulling routine? I know the latter is not accepted my mainstream medicine as a way to whiten teeth or improve your health but it would definitely make it impossible to talk.
Dear Prudence,
My brother is a very private, insular person who absolutely hates being the center of attention. He is very uncomfortable receiving gifts, absolutely loathes parties and, relevant to this discussion, never ever celebrates or acknowledges his birthday. He鈥檚 about to reach a significant milestone and our mom, who has never been great with boundaries and is a big part of why he鈥檚 so withdrawn, is planning a massive surprise party to celebrate the occasion. We鈥檙e talking close to a hundred guests, presents, a rented venue, band鈥 She is brushing off all advice, so I gave him a heads up, and he鈥檚 going to avoid the situation.
My problem is that my mother is going to freak out. She鈥檚 spending a ridiculous amount of money that she cannot really afford. I also don鈥檛 want her guests, some of whom are coming a long way at some expense, to travel needlessly. BUT鈥 if my mother finds out that my brother knows, she will harass him to come rather than cancel the event, and we will be in for weeks of whining, tantrums, rage. He鈥檚 so done, he will cut her off and, selfishly, that would leave me putting up with her. Would it be wrong just to let her take the hit and manage the fallout? I鈥檓 so tired of her nonsense.
鈥擝irthday Basher
Dear Birthday Basher,
You鈥檙e doing a lot to try to manage the feelings and relationship of these two adults (not to mention the plans of random guests). You should have told your mom that you were uncomfortable participating in a surprise for someone who would hate it, refused to attend, and crossed your fingers that one of the other 99 guests would let the cat out of the bag, giving your brother the opportunity to decide what he鈥檇 show up. Or maybe he would have gone to his party but turned right around when he saw the wedding reception setup, huge wall-sized portrait of him, and professional photographer. At this point, don鈥檛 do anything else. Nothing. Know that if the two of them have a falling out over this event (which seems likely), you鈥檙e not actually 鈥渄estined to鈥 be left alone to put up with your mom. You are just as capable as he is of limiting your contact with someone who is known for whining, tantrums, and rage and doesn鈥檛 respect other people鈥檚 wishes.
Catch up on this week鈥檚 Prudie.
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I love my family, and I know that times are tough. I have two family members who live in my three-bedroom home and have been doing so since 2008. I did not want to let them live here, but our mother pleaded, as they would otherwise be homeless.(My mother has since passed away.) The agreement, however, was that this would be temporary! They paid no rent and considered themselves 鈥済uests,鈥 so no responsibilities while they were looking for new employment. That was 11 years ago.