By Jenée Desmond-Harris
Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.
Dear Prudence,
I allowed in a houseguest for what was supposed to be a few weeks after she lost her place due to a mental hospitalization and subsequent unemployment. She was a former roommate of a friend and would have otherwise been homeless.
Since then, she’s gone through two jobs and demanded fast food daily. She was recently hospitalized again and is now in a walker and wheelchair for the next six to 12 months. While she is finally applying for disability, she contributes nothing to the household, and I’ve reached the point of having to donate plasma to keep up with my bills.
Am I a bad person for wanting to kick her out now while she’s still physically healing, or should I just cut my losses? If I do it now, she would have to locate a shelter and would likely lose most of her stuff.
—Unlatching the Parasite
Dear Unlatching,
If she managed to get you—not even a close friend—to let her move in, this woman is resourceful. I wouldn’t be so sure at all that she would end up in a shelter. Maybe her former roommate knows someone else with an extra room! But you are not a bad person for ending the arrangement.
It sounds like you’re one missed plasma appointment away from housing insecurity yourself, so it’s not as if you’re being selfish here. If she stays, both of you could find yourselves needing a place to live. You seem like a kind and generous person, and I hope this is a wake-up call about finding ways to help others that don’t require you to make painful decisions down the road.
Dear Prudence,
My girlfriend is REALLY into a specific romance novel, so I’ve (she/her) finally begun to read it. However, I don’t think it’s that good. The writing is fine, but I’m just not super into it, even though I generally like romance novels. For various reasons, it’s not my cup of tea. My girlfriend, though, is obsessed. She’s deep in the fandom, loves the characters and relates to them heavily, and adores the craftsmanship of the book. Is it bad that I’m lying and saying I think it’s wonderful when I really just think it’s OK? Is it OK if I vent to my friends about how mediocre I think the book is, as long as she doesn’t find out? I love my girlfriend. But her literary choices, not so much.
—Book Liker, Not Lover
Dear Book Liker,
I wonder if you’re thinking that because you have the same interests (liking romance novels in general), you need to be aligned on your opinions about those interests? I disagree! I think it would have been totally fine for you to tell her, “This book just didn’t do it for me,” and to say, when there was an opportunity to get it signed by the author, “I love that for you!” Couples who like the same things have different favorites—movies, hiking spots, sports teams—all the time! Plus, even more couples don’t even share similar interests at all.
In fact, it seems so obvious to me that it would be fine that I wonder what made you feel you needed to lie in the first place. It’s not the white lie that I have an issue with as much as the fact that you don’t feel comfortable being honest. As a result, you’re keeping a part of yourself (your real opinions) from her while you have more openness and intimacy with others. That’s a lot of work and kind of draining. Something is behind it, and I’m thinking it has to be one of a few things:
Are you afraid that if you don’t like the book as much as she likes it, she won’t like you? Is she controlling or intolerant of dissent in a way that would give you this impression? Or did you bring past experiences or insecurity to the relationship that make you think you’ll lose her love if you share your honest thoughts about something pretty inconsequential? (After all, it’s not like she WROTE the book!)Do you actually, on some level, think your girlfriend is not as smart or cool as you, has worse taste than you, or is just not on the same page as you and your friends? I can see how self-consciousness about this could lead you to overcompensate by lying and pretending you like everything she likes. Because a difference of opinion isn’t a big deal, but it could definitely feel like one if it represents something deeper to you.
So yes, I think it’s bad that you’ve been lying. Dishonesty is draining. And it could go very wrong. What if she borrows your iPad and somehow starts seeing notifications from the group chat in which you and your buddies are all mocking the piece of work that’s at the center of her life? She’d be devastated. Not so much by your opinion, but by the fact that you hid it from here. She’d be right to worry about why you wanted to lie in the first place. I like to think that in a healthy relationship, you can acknowledge and make light of your differences, because you both know that you fundamentally respect and enjoy each other, so if you don’t line up on everything, that’s OK. I know you don’t want to tell her you’ve been acting this entire time, so here’s an idea (which, yes, requires another small lie to execute): Tell her you’re re-reading the book and it’s hitting you totally different this time and you don’t have the same enthusiasm for it. But assure her that you’ll still happily accompany her to the next author event.
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Dear Prudence,
I am getting married in October, and my mother is pressuring me to invite her friend “Ronda.” Ronda happens to be one of the most irritating people who has ever lived. She rambles on endlessly, tells stories that usually involve some embarrassing bodily function she’s having an issue with, and thinks nothing of giving perfect strangers tips on resolving sexual dysfunction. My mother says Ronda looks forward to gatherings, as she’s a very lonely person and “doesn’t get many opportunities to socialize.” Mom has never been one to let up until she gets what she wants. I would prefer not to inflict Ronda on my guests, but I also don’t want to be nagged into oblivion and then guilted once the wedding is over if I say no. Would it be worth inviting her just to get my mom to shut up?
—Badgered Bride
Dear Badgered Bride,
Let her come. Not to shut your mom up, but because a wedding isn’t a wedding without someone like Ronda. I really want to push back on the widely held idea that the goal is for all wedding guests to be on their absolute best behavior: no rambling, no mentioning bodily functions, no drunkenness, no negative feelings toward anyone else in the room, no overly revealing clothing, no weird toasts. This day is going to be very special and meaningful, but that doesn’t mean it has to be artificially perfect.
The guests will represent the people in your life, and it is normal and expected that some of them will be eccentric, annoying, or even full of ideas for erectile dysfunction treatment. We don’t want to allow cruelty or bigotry, but everyone will survive some irritating antics. And I’d go as far as to say that at a celebration where everyone else is making polite small talk, the content Ronda is offering might represent a welcomed change from, “What a beautiful dress. So, how do you know the couple?”
Classic Prudie
My husband and I, newly married, recently moved to the same town in which his bachelor brother lives. My husband travels frequently on business and encouraged me to invite his brother over if I ever felt lonely. He also told his brother to “watch out for me.” One night I caught his brother peering in my bedroom window…