By Jen茅e Desmond-Harris
Each week, exclusively for Slate Plus members, Prudie discusses a new letter with a fellow Slate colleague. Have a question for Prudie? Submit it here.
Dear Prudence,
I have been dating my lovely partner 鈥淏鈥 for six months. They haven鈥檛 met any of my friends yet: scheduling is a nightmare, we live an awkward distance apart, and college takes up basically all of our energy. I am working on organizing a get-together eventually, though not now. Complicating things, B is currently going through a severe depressive episode.They have a mental health team, but it鈥檚 been difficult. I guess I鈥檓 asking a) how much can I share with my friends and b) if it鈥檚 imperative to ask how much I can share, how do I phrase that information request delicately?
On one hand, I feel like protecting privacy should come first, so I鈥檝e basically just told my friends that B鈥檚 busy and had some mental health stuff going on in the vaguest terms. On the other hand, my therapist suggested I utilize my support network more since this has been really hard on me too (not more so than B, of course). Because my friends haven鈥檛 even met B, I feel like not only would this be sharing information that鈥檚 not mine to share, it鈥檚 also messing with first impressions before they鈥檝e even all met. I鈥檓 also afraid that asking B about how much stuff I can share on how they鈥檙e doing with my friends will send them into a bad spiral about how their illness is affecting me and I should leave them (this has happened a couple times), as well as make them feel awkward around my friends when we finally make the time to meet.
Again, B does have professional help, but things have just been really awful lately and nothing seems to be working. I love this person and want them to be well. I know they want to be well, too. We are trying our best. Please advise!
鈥擶hat to Say?
Jen茅e Desmond-Harris: I admire this letter writer for trying to do the right thing here, because I wouldn鈥檛 even think about it. After just six months with someone who may or may not last another six months, I鈥檓 telling my friends (who I plan to have forever) everything. I鈥檓 not saying that鈥檚 right but I do think it鈥檚 pretty normal.
Lizzie O鈥橪eary: Wow. I also want to commend this LW for her thoughtfulness, because I probably would have already unloaded a lot of this on a friend or two by now. I have been trying to think through this. and I think there is a delicate balance to strike between getting the support that you, LW, genuinely need, and not biasing your friends against a partner they haven鈥檛 met.
Jen茅e: I鈥檝e given credit for thoughtfulness, and I鈥檓 not going to take it back, but as I reread the letter, what鈥檚 jumping out at me is the letter writer鈥檚 anxiety about not just the privacy aspect of this, but also a desire to control how it all turns out. She wants to make sure her friends like her partner and that her partner doesn鈥檛 get triggered by a conversation about this. And I think my advice about that is that as hard as it is, you have to let it go. Things could go wrong with your relationship or your partner鈥檚 mental health for any number of reasons. Or things could work out perfectly too! But you have to kind of let things unfold without being so afraid of making a mistake. If your relationship can鈥檛 withstand you saying 鈥淛ust making sure it鈥檚 not a secret that you鈥檙e dealing with depression, in case it comes up in my life updates to me friends鈥 and if your friends hold a grudge against someone who (hopefully) makes you happy, that鈥檚 a problem.
Lizzie: So, as someone who has been both clinically depressed AND dated people who are clinically depressed, I think the LW can talk about this to her friends without asking for permission. Especially since that might set off a spiral (depressed people feel worthless as hell). She doesn鈥檛 need to go deep into all her partner鈥檚 issues, because that鈥檚 not really the point here. The point is that the LW needs support. And so it鈥檚 okay to talk about the things in her life that are difficult right now! This is 鈥 what friendship is for. I also think that a) we are at a place in society where there is a general understanding that sometimes People Go Through Some Shit, b) LW鈥檚 friends are going to form an opinion anyway, and that will fluctuate over time and no one can control that. Check me on this, Jen茅e, does the LW have to ask for an okay from her partner?
Jen茅e: The more I think about it, the more I think no. My big reading-between-the-lines conspiracy theory about this one is that the partner is not just depressed but also not treating her very well because of the depression (鈥淭his has been really hard on me鈥 could be doing a lot of work). And she is hesitant to share that with her friends because they may legitimately have a bad impression of her partner. So she is鈥攃onsciously or not鈥攍ooking for other reasons not to share.
Lizzie: Ohhhhhh that is a very interesting reading! You may be right. I guess it鈥檚 a question of how much LW needs the support. Because I think someone who is feeling really bad about themselves might not be able to see the request to share as anything other than a referendum on them. So the LW would really need to lean into 鈥渢his is about me and wanting to talk about my feelings.鈥 And I am not sure how the partner will take that. So, yeah, share, but be discreet.
Jen茅e: Yeah, I think she should just organize a brunch and give her life updates and get the support she needs. Maybe it鈥檚 鈥淭hey鈥檝e been depressed and it鈥檚 been hard because I care so much about them鈥 or maybe it鈥檚 鈥淭hey鈥檝e been depressed and there are days when that makes them really mean to me and they say they can鈥檛 see a future with me because of it.鈥 I mean she doesn鈥檛 have to include medication doses and side effects of anything. But if your therapist says to lean on your friends, do it! And don鈥檛 edit too heavily when it comes to what exactly has been going on.
Lizzie: Agreed! Gavel!