Q. My ex and I share equal custody of our 2-year-old son, but we do not get along. There is a court order that states that we can each have one FaceTime call a day when our son is with the other parent. However, these calls always turn into an argument, from her not picking up to telling me our son does not want to talk to calling right before bed. Are FaceTime calls necessary to properly co-parent? What鈥檚 good ex-etiquette?
A. FaceTime calls can be an excellent tool to stay in touch with your child when they cannot be with you, but there is a fine art to approaching them properly. When a child is very young and cannot hold the phone, that responsibility falls on the parents. If the parents are estranged, a daily FaceTime call puts them in contact every day.
But if mommy hates daddy and daddy hates mommy, the conversation takes on new meaning. Parental discontent is obvious and that鈥檚 how you are raising your child. It鈥檚 no wonder a child balks when it鈥檚 time to call. Start with a 2-year-old who has an extremely short attention span and can鈥檛 hold a phone. Add some crabby parents who are not invested in supporting each other鈥檚 relationship with the child, and you have the perfect storm for parental misunderstandings and retaliation.
So, are daily FaceTime calls necessary? Even daily phone calls, in general? If you see your child every few days, it may not be. Just like living in two homes, daily calls if not done properly can emotionally yank a child from one home to another.
If they want to call you, both parents must always allow a child to reach out, but if a child is settling in at the other home, let them. Of course, if something exciting happens, then reach out. Even reach out if you just want to say, hi. But before you call 鈥 here鈥檚 where the 鈥渄one properly 鈥 comes in 鈥 consider how it will impact your child鈥 and cooperate with your co-parent so that your child can look forward to the calls and the calls do not become a source of sadness and anxiety. That鈥檚 good ex-etiquette.
Dr. Jann Blackstone is a child custody mediator and the author of 鈥淭he Bonus Family Handbook.鈥/Tribune News Service