When my son was born, I made a promise to myself and to him: the cycle of trauma and addiction stops now.
I was 12 years sober at the time. The path that got me there had been filled with abuse, shame, neglect, and reckless substance use.
But even though my story was heartbreaking, I knew his 鈥 my son鈥檚 鈥 would be different and that he would never suffer from a lack of parental love or support in the way that I did.
Building a New Future
I come from a long line of family members with severe mental health and substance use disorders. They are all extremely talented, but very flawed, and they could never work those demons out.
Both my grandfathers died of alcoholism. When I was 4 years old, my grandmother got me drunk and nearly killed me, and I was blamed for it.
At school, I was a rising track star, but I also had dyslexia and struggled to keep up in the classroom. When I was in third grade, the teacher would make me stand in front of the class and read to everyone, but I couldn鈥檛 do it.
And no one advocated for me 鈥 not my teachers or my parents. Instead of saying to the teachers, 鈥淗e has reading issues,鈥 they鈥檇 say to me, 鈥淵ou鈥檙e not trying hard enough because you鈥檙e a good athlete.鈥
Worse still, my dad would unload on me when he came home from working a 12-hour day. Something I鈥檇 do would obviously trigger him, and he鈥檇 beat the crap out of me.
That鈥檚 why, from an early age, I knew I had to escape that environment by myself. I left Australia and built a new life in America.
Years later, when my wife got pregnant, the gravity of that impending responsibility felt terrifying. Before, I thought it was all about me. Suddenly, it was about 鈥渨e.鈥
I wanted a girl, but I knew God would end up giving me a boy. Why? So I鈥檇 be forced to be the cycle-breaker 鈥 so that I wouldn鈥檛 do what my father did.
And indeed I got a boy. When I see him, I see what I needed when I was a child. I鈥檝e never put my hands on him. I want to protect him at all costs.
A Really Big Thing
I always say to people: 鈥淏eing a parent is a process. You鈥檙e signing up for a really big thing. So, if you鈥檙e going to sign up for it, dig in, because you鈥檙e messing around with another life.鈥
My job as a father is to give my son a safe space to figure out who he wants to be when he grows up; to be there for him; coach him; be his best friend; and be a good role model.
I will teach him the skills he needs to be successful. I will teach him how to be a good human being. That鈥檚 my job.
Over the years, I鈥檝e been careful to model the kind of behavior and choices I want him to see.
He sees my muscles and says, 鈥淚 want to have muscles like you, Daddy.鈥 So, I tell him, 鈥淵ou have to exercise.鈥
He sees my books in the bookstore and says, 鈥淚 want to write a book someday.鈥 I tell him, 鈥淵ou have to work hard.鈥
He sees me on TV helping people and says, 鈥淚 want to help people, too.鈥 I tell him, 鈥淵ou always have to be of service.鈥
And I choose the way that I react to him without acting on impulse like my father did. When I made a mistake as a kid, like maybe spilling a cup, my dad would hit me. In my house, things are different.
I remember when my son broke a plate on my foot. He freaked out because I was bleeding. But I told him, 鈥淚t鈥檚 all good. Daddy鈥檚 tough. Don鈥檛 worry about it.鈥 The next day, he went to school and told his friends, 鈥淚鈥檓 tough like my daddy. I broke a plate on his foot!鈥
History Doesn鈥檛 Have to Repeat
To any father that鈥檚 struggling right now, know this: your past doesn鈥檛 have to write your future. Help is out there, and you can change the trajectory of your life and that of your family. Addiction and trauma don鈥檛 have to be passed down to the next generation. The cycle can stop with you.
For many fathers, that will mean asking for help or going to treatment. I see fathers every day at Desert Hope Treatment Center who have taken that bold step for them and their families.
There are also meetings out there. If you鈥檙e afraid to go to a meeting in person, you can go online. There are amazing communities.
Don鈥檛 be ashamed. Remove the shame and forgive yourself for making mistakes. It鈥檚 part of the human experience. We鈥檙e all supposed to make mistakes.
Recently, I was asked what I would say to my son about my addiction when he gets older. I would say to my son very simply: I tried to escape my reality because my reality was so painful. And you don鈥檛 ever have to escape your reality because I鈥檓 always here for you.
A Story of Freedom
The biggest thing recovery taught me was to stay present. It鈥檚 one day at a time. I recently celebrated 19 years in recovery.
What I鈥檝e learned? Recovery is a lifestyle. It鈥檚 about process and progression. There鈥檚 no perfection. It鈥檚 about showing up for yourself, so you can show up for others.
Recovery is making sure you鈥檙e healthy in all areas of life, so you can help others and be of service. Because we鈥檙e all recovering from something.
My story is one of millions 鈥 shaped by struggle, but not defined by it. What keeps me going is the hope that my son鈥檚 story will be one of freedom, not survival.
Mike Diamond is Director of Engagement and Intervention Services at American Addiction Centers, a leading provider of treatment for addiction and co-occurring mental health disorders.