By Dear Abby
DEAR ABBY: I am a 56-year-old divorcee after a 30鈥搚ear marriage. I have been dating a man I鈥檒l call 鈥淭om鈥 for the past 2 1/2 years. I love my time with him, except when we are out 鈥 he is constantly looking at young women. They smile back at him because he鈥檚 smiling at them. He is definitely feeding his ego, and he has said he knows he has to stop looking for young women and settle with someone his age with whom he has more in common.
When he sits at a table next to me, he turns his chair in their direction instead of toward the table like a normal person. I know this is disrespectful. My heart drops to my stomach when he does it. Everything is perfect when we鈥檙e not in these situations. Is it possible to love a man and ignore this one bad feeling he gives me? I feel like it鈥檚 slim pickings at my age, and he鈥檚 so good in so many other ways. 鈥 FOCUSED ON HIM IN LOUISIANA
DEAR FOCUSED: Yes, it is possible to love someone and ignore the one flaw in the diamond. But what should concern you is not that he looks at young women, but that he actually said he needs to 鈥渟ettle鈥 with someone his age (with whom he has more in common). From what you have written, he doesn鈥檛 appear to be doing a good job of that, and the sinking feeling in your stomach when he鈥檚 not fully present when you鈥檙e out together is your intuition telling you that you are not safe with him.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been happily married for 12 years. We have a beautiful family 鈥 a 12-year-old daughter and a 10-year-old son. My husband is not close with his side of the family. We are very close to mine. My husband has a brother my kids have never met. He has two great-nieces and one great- nephew whom none of us have met. He does maintain a relationship with his parents. They usually visit once a year, as we live out of state.
When my husband and I wed, we were in our 30s, we both had established careers, owned our own homes and lived complete lives. I kept my last name. My husband said he would talk to his parents about it because I had a feeling they would not approve. Fast-forward to the present: They always address my mail to 鈥淢rs. Bob Jones.鈥 I find this hurtful. It鈥檚 usually a birthday card, but it still feels bad.
Am I a terrible person? I have asked my husband to talk to them about it, but he refuses. He thinks I need to let it go. But it鈥檚 hard to feel love and appreciation for people who don鈥檛 accept me at a basic level. What do you think? 鈥 WRONG NAME IN TEXAS
DEAR WRONG NAME: You obviously don鈥檛 have a close relationship with your in-laws, and I鈥檓 sure there is more than one reason for it. If you raise the issue of how the envelope is addressed, it will likely drive the wedge deeper between you and them, which is why I agree with your husband. Let it go. However, because seeing it grates on you, feel free to toss it in the circular file as you would any other piece of junk mail.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.