Dear Eric: I鈥檝e been married for a few decades to someone who lacks self-awareness about the impact of his choice not to shower for several days, sometimes more than a week. He doesn鈥檛 even shower after he works out/runs. He also wears the same underwear for days at a time.
When I tell him he smells he says he can鈥檛 smell anything. Believe me, he smells.
He seems not to care or believe what I tell him about good hygiene practices. Maybe if he hears your opinion on the matter of good hygiene for men it might crack open a willingness to change.
鈥 Keeping the Windows Open
Dear Windows: If he doesn鈥檛 heed your comments about his body odor, as someone who loves him and lives with him, I doubt he cares what I think. But here鈥檚 the facts: personal hygiene is personal, but one鈥檚 personal hygiene practices impact those around them. This is true of people who don鈥檛 bathe and also people who are fastidious about bathing and douse themselves in cologne, and everyone else in between. We don鈥檛 live in bubbles (metaphorically, or in your husband鈥檚 case, perhaps literally).
Beyond the odor issue, is there a communication problem here? Because if you鈥檙e telling him about an aspect of your shared life that鈥檚 causing you problems (and, frankly, a health concern), and he鈥檚 dismissing it, what else is he dismissing? Are there other concerns of yours that he doesn鈥檛 take seriously?
I鈥檓 not trying to problematize your marriage. I hope this is the only issue you two have. However, when a spouse brings up an issue, it鈥檚 always best for the couple to work together to find a solution. There鈥檚 got to be a way for both of you to be happy and happily share a space.
Dear Eric: The letter from 鈥淏urning Questions, Not Hillsides鈥, who was trying to keep a friend from smoking in their backyard, reminded me of a little decorative plaque I made and used to display in my home years ago. I was a young adult and mother in the 1970s and 1980s when smoking was still common. I do not recall if I created this little verse or if I read it somewhere. (My apologies to the author if I inadvertently plagiarized.) It read:
鈥淲elcome to our non-smoking home. If you are seen smoking, we will assume that you are on fire and treat you accordingly.鈥
I probably still have it packed away somewhere but thankfully would not need to display it in 2025.
鈥 Sign of the Times
Dear Sign: I love a cheeky sign that also helpfully lets friends know how to be good guests.
Dear Eric: I have a distant relationship with my brother as I am a gay man with a 鈥渘ew thought鈥 religion, both of which he says will send me to Hell.
We communicate, mostly by email on birthdays and Christmas, but did get along well more than 10 years ago when our father passed and the estate was settled. I sent my nieces gifts on their birthdays and Christmas until they turned 18 and stopped thanking me.
I鈥檝e seen one niece in person in the last 20 years. Two of the nieces send Christmas wishes at times.
I was invited to the wedding of a grandniece I鈥檝e never met, probably at the urging of my sister-in-law, who would like to see my brother and I closer. My husband was not included in the invitation. I declined the invitation, stating we had booked a cruise at the time of the wedding. I will send a card.
Of course, I lied about the cruise. Should I have attended as a way to get back into the family? They are my only living family save three cousins, two of which are fundamental Christians. I feel much closer to my husband鈥檚 family who are welcoming and available. How do I handle another invitation?
鈥 Estranged Guest
Dear Guest: Wedding invites are sometimes olive branches, but at other times they鈥檙e simply social gestures that can take on outsized influence. While the invitation you received was kind, accepting it or future invites that feel more obligatory rather than genuine, may not serve you as well as reaching out to your family in a way that is safe for you.
Let鈥檚 talk about this practically: would you really have enjoyed this wedding, knowing few people and feeling that your husband had been excluded? I suspect you wouldn鈥檛 have, which would have made it hard to have reconnecting conversations with your brother. Weddings are also not ideal times for those kinds of conversations.
A card is the right move here. But if you want to be closer to your family, first figure out what your boundaries are (ideally in conversation with your husband), and then reach out.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)