ADVICE: AUNTIE AGNI

By From InpaperMagazine Israel Becomes Muay

ADVICE: AUNTIE AGNI

Assalamualaikum Auntie,
I am a 25-year-old girl. A boy proposed to me recently and, after getting satisfied by the answers and assurances he gave to my marriage-related questions, I committed to him. He has been deeply respectful all along. Last year, our families visited each other. Both parties involved approved of the union, except my father.

My father refused to give any reason for his rejection. The boy offered to fulfil any demand that my father makes, but that didn鈥檛 work. The boy has pleaded to me to contract a court marriage with him and that he will take full responsibility for me.

Meanwhile, my father has beaten me because I have refused to end contact with the boy. He has been threatening to kill me. He repeatedly says that I am too young and, thus, he must make decisions for me and I must obey 鈥 although previous partners chosen by him for my elder sisters turned out to be horrendous mistakes that he sometimes regrets.

On the other hand, the boy鈥檚 family has been very supportive. They don鈥檛 have much of a problem with court marriage, if their son is happy that way.

鈥楽hould I Marry Against My Violent Father鈥檚 Will?鈥

There鈥檚 nobody who can influence my father. He is used to being stubborn and using force on the women of his house to impose his will. Shall I take the extreme step of court marriage?
Scared and Confused

Dear Scared and Confused,
You are 25 years old. You鈥檝e reached an age where the law gives you the right to make decisions about your life, especially marriage. And yet, in our society, many women are still treated as if they are property that is passed from father to husband. Also, your father beating you up is not his way of showing concern or love. It鈥檚 abuse, plain and simple. No father, no matter how respected in society or how powerful he is at home, has the right to do this.

You鈥檝e done the right things. You waited for your family鈥檚 approval. You didn鈥檛 run off behind their back. The boy鈥檚 family has met yours. They came with a rishta [proposal]. Your family even visited them. Everyone agreed, except your father.

As for the boy, all I want to say is that, in our society, most men disappear at the first sign of 鈥渇amily issues鈥, but this one has stood by you for two years and his family is on his side 鈥 a family that is willing to accept a court marriage which, let鈥檚 be honest, many Pakistani families wouldn鈥檛 tolerate.

I have my reservations about court marriage. It is seen as an act of rebellion. It will also create a rift in your family, at least for the short term. You鈥檒l have to face questions and could also be cut off by your family. But it is a path that many people have taken鈥 usually because they were given no other option.

However, I would advise you not to act in haste. Make sure you are safe. Is there a friend, a cousin or other relative who can quietly support you if needed? Can you speak to a lawyer or rights organisation to help you understand what steps are needed for court marriage and what protections are available? You need to protect yourself first.

Remember that you are not doing anything wrong. Wanting to marry someone you trust, who has been respectful to you and your family, is not a sin. If you choose court marriage, do it with your head held high, knowing you gave your family every opportunity to do this the conventional way.

Disclaimer: If you or someone you know is in crisis and/or feeling suicidal, please go to your nearest emergency room and seek medical help immediately.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, July 6th, 2025

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