By Victoria Richards
I honestly feel like I am losing it. It might sound like a small, silly issue, but my bedroom is a complete tip and I just can鈥檛 keep on top of it.
I sometimes get seized with a positive sort of tornado whirlwind energy, where I feel ready to completely tear up the place and throw all the miscellaneous crap I鈥檝e collected over the years away, but halfway through, I lose interest 鈥 and then everything I鈥檝e pulled out of the cupboards and wardrobe stays right there on the floor.
Once it鈥檚 there, I can鈥檛 seem to muster up the enthusiasm to sort it out. I just ignore it and then more stuff falls and more clothes pile up and I just start frantically kicking things under the bed to clear a path to the door or to the bed and it becomes an unmanageable nightmare!
It gets worse when I鈥檓 anxious, because then everything around me 鈥 as well as inside me 鈥 feels out of control. I hate this feeling. It鈥檚 like having wasps under my skin.
My parents just say I鈥檓 鈥渓azy鈥 and 鈥渕essy鈥 and are constantly nagging me about it 鈥 so now I lock the door and take the key with me when I leave the house so they can鈥檛 get in and have a go at me about it. I find it really upsetting to be talked about like I鈥檓 some kind of slob, but I also know they鈥檙e right 鈥 it鈥檚 got to the point where I have piles of rubbish 鈥 food, plates, old coffee mugs 鈥 collecting inside my bedroom and it smells. I know it isn鈥檛 hygienic and could even make me ill.
There must be something wrong with me 鈥 because I don鈥檛 like living like this, I hate it. But I just don鈥檛 seem to be able to sort it out. It鈥檚 like I have some sort of blocker stopping me. But I don鈥檛 want to tell anyone outside of my family, either 鈥 it鈥檚 far too embarrassing.
Do I just need to set fire to it all? Or do a Marie Kondo and chuck absolutely everything I own away and start again? Am I a hoarder 鈥 or a lost cause?
Unhappy Cyclone
Dear Unhappy Cyclone,
This sounds really frustrating. I think we can all empathise, to some extent, with having a mountain of unfinished tasks that become so overwhelming that they begin to feel paralysing.
Interestingly, the task paralysis (and the messy bedroom) you describe can be a big part of ADHD, as it relates to issues with executive dysfunction 鈥 have you ever thought about exploring that as an option in case it feels relevant to you?
We hear a lot about hoarding and mental health 鈥 the word 鈥渉oarder鈥 is often used for anyone who has a penchant for collecting stuff: books, clothes, figurines.
Some people say that it鈥檚 all to do with overconsumption; that we鈥檙e all at risk of becoming 鈥渕iddle class hoarders鈥 due to the influx of fast fashion 鈥 because of the cheap, imported clothes we buy, even when our wardrobes are already full to bursting.
But there are more extreme cases, where people start to isolate themselves within their homes 鈥 or find it hard to keep their environment clean, safe and hygienic. Sometimes, people鈥檚 homes can become a fire risk because of piles of old newspapers, magazines or cardboard.
Hoarding can sometimes present as part of a distinct psychological disorder, or as an underlying symptom of OCD, anxiety or depression.
I would strongly urge you to go to your GP to describe the problems you鈥檝e been having and to ask for help. Please try and remind yourself that there鈥檚 no shame in it. Cognitive behavioral therapy is a widely recognised treatment for hoarding disorder 鈥 your GP can refer you to a professional. And you don鈥檛 have to tell anyone else 鈥 your GP certainly won鈥檛. If you鈥檙e worried about feeling ashamed, rest assured that this will stay private.
We can muddle along uncomfortable in our own lives for a long time, but when it reaches breaking point 鈥 or you do 鈥 it鈥檚 always time to act.
And you鈥檝e already passed the first hurdle, which is self-awareness. You describe the experience so eloquently, from 鈥渨asps under your skin鈥 to realising that the mess gets worse when you are anxious. You鈥檝e identified some key elements about what triggers you and what helps you feel calm.
These are all positives to take away from this place of suffering. It will also help enormously in creating a plan on how to tackle this.
And if you want something to try at home in the meantime, with zero pressure, (crucially): start small. If you start with clearing just a small square of floor space, then that鈥檚 something to celebrate. It will only feel even more overwhelming if you decide you must tidy 鈥渆verything鈥 away in one go. The chances of you breaking off halfway through and despairing are far higher if you set yourself unrealistic goals, so don鈥檛 put that undue pressure on yourself.
Even not doing might be something that you can try 鈥 simply not adding to the mess for a week. Aim instead to put away every new item that you take out at the end of a day 鈥 don鈥檛 worry about touching the mess that鈥檚 already there, but focus on the mindset of putting away a thing at a time. Celebrate your wins.
But do get help. You don鈥檛 have to do this alone.
The Independent鈥檚 agony aunt Victoria Richards is here to help. Email dearvix@independent.co.uk for advice on love, work, family and relationships