By Associate Professor in Psychology Deakin University Elizabeth Westrupp
Hearing about child abuse in trusted places such as childcare centres is every parent鈥檚 worst nightmare.
So, how can we talk to our kids about it and help them stay safe?
While it鈥檚 not always possible to prevent abuse 鈥 and it鈥檚 never the victim鈥檚 responsibility 鈥 there are practical, age-appropriate ways to help children trust their instincts and feel confident to speak up.
These conversations don鈥檛 have to be frightening. They鈥檙e about teaching kids body safety, boundaries and trust in a calm, shame-free way.
Here鈥檚 what parents and carers can do right now and some resources that might help.
Use real names for body parts
Many of us grew up in families where private parts were given nicknames or not mentioned at all. Basic body functions were treated as embarrassing or joked about. But when we flinch or make jokes, we teach our children these topics shouldn鈥檛 be spoken about.
Instead, we need to speak about bodies in a clear, matter-of-fact way.
Research shows one of the simplest and most effective protective factors for children is teaching them correct names for their genitals 鈥 penis, vulva, vagina, anus, bottom 鈥 without shame or secrecy.
Using the right words gives children the language to ask questions and tell a trusted adult if something feels wrong.
We can use everyday moments, such as bath time or getting dressed, to weave these words in. While your child is in the bath you might say: 鈥淗ave you cleaned your vulva/penis? This is your special area and it鈥檚 up to you to look after it.鈥
It鈥檚 also important to explain, in simple terms, that some things are just for adults. This isn鈥檛 about making the topic scary, but about setting safe boundaries: 鈥淪ex is for grown-ups. It鈥檚 not for children, and it鈥檚 never OK for an adult or another child to involve you in anything like that.鈥
If you鈥檙e unsure how to begin, children鈥檚 books about bodies and private parts can help start the conversation. Here are some of my favourites, for toddlers up to late primary school:
My Underpants Rule (for toddlers and preschoolers)
The Amazing True Story of How Babies Are Made (for toddlers and preschoolers)
Respect, Consent, Boundaries and Being in Charge of You (for primary school children)
Welcome to Consent (for primary school children)
Let鈥檚 Talk About Body Boundaries Consent & Respect (for preschoolers and primary school children)
Welcome to Your Period (for pre-adolescent children).
Respect their 鈥榥o鈥
Children are often taught to be polite and do as they鈥檙e told. While manners matter, this can sometimes teach children not to trust their own instincts.
It鈥檚 vital for children to know they are in charge of their own bodies: they get to decide what happens to them.
This means they never have to hug, kiss or touch anyone if they don鈥檛 want to, not even close family members. As parents, this can feel socially awkward. But we can help by offering alternatives, such as high five, a wave or just saying hello.
When we respect children saying 鈥渘o鈥 to safe adults, we reinforce that their boundaries matter and they always have a right to speak up.
Trusting our children helps them learn to trust themselves.
Encourage them to listen to their in-built sense when something isn鈥檛 right 鈥 an 鈥渦h-oh鈥 feeling in their tummy. Let them know: 鈥淚f someone ever makes you feel weird or yucky inside, you can always tell me, even if someone tells you not to. I鈥檒l always listen and believe you.鈥
This helps build the confidence to speak up if something doesn鈥檛 feel right, whether it鈥檚 with another child on a play date, an adult at school, or even a date when they鈥檙e older.
Most importantly, it sends the message that adults will listen, believe and protect them.
Secrets vs surprises
From a young age, children can understand safe grown-ups don鈥檛 ask them to keep secrets.
It鈥檚 helpful to explain the difference between a secret and a surprise.
Surprises are fun and temporary, like hiding a birthday present, and are always revealed.
Secrets are about hiding something for a long time, and can make people feel scared or sad. You might say: 鈥淵ou can tell me anything. You won鈥檛 get in trouble, even if an adult says it鈥檚 a secret.鈥
How to listen and what to look for
Sometimes children can鈥檛 find the words or feel too scared to speak up. They might not fully understand what happened until they鈥檙e older.
One of the most protective things you can do is remind your child it鈥檚 never too late to tell you if something鈥檚 worrying them. If they raise something from the past, stay calm, listen and thank them for trusting you.
If your child ever discloses something distressing:
take a deep breath before you respond
let them know you believe them
avoid asking lots of detailed questions and just listen.
Seek professional help if needed. This might mean talking to your GP, calling a child protection helpline or speaking to a trusted mental health professional.
Not all children will disclose abuse directly. Look for sudden changes in behaviouror language that seems too mature, fear of certain people or places, regression such as bedwetting or nightmares.
These signs don鈥檛 automatically mean abuse has occurred. But they are cues to gently check in, ask open questions and get help if needed.
You don鈥檛 have to do this perfectly. Small conversations, repeated over time, help protect children and show them you鈥檙e always there to listen.
If this story has raised any issues for you, please contact one of the services below:
1800RESPECT, national counselling helpline: 1800 737 732
Bravehearts, counselling and support for survivors of child sexual abuse: 1800 272 831
Australian Childhood Foundation, counselling provider: 1800 991 099
Lifeline, 24-hour crisis support and suicide prevention: 13 11 14
Care Leavers Australia Network: 1800 008 774
PartnerSPEAK, peer support for non-offending partners: (03) 9018 7872.