By Jen茅e Desmond-Harris
Dear Prudence is Slate鈥檚 advice column. Submit questions here.
Dear Prudence,
My wife recently attended her 30-year high school reunion and came home practically in tears.
When I asked what was wrong, she said the first thing she noticed was how old she looked compared to nearly all of her female former classmates. Now she is obsessed with getting plastic surgery. My assurances that I think she will always be the sexiest woman I鈥檝e ever met and pointing out that it鈥檚 very possible that her former classmates went under the knife themselves fall on deaf ears. Among the procedures she wants are a breast augmentation, a facelift, and blepharoplasty. Should I try to dissuade her from going through with this?
鈥擲he鈥檚 Perfect in My Eyes
Dear She鈥檚 Perfect,
I鈥檓 worried about the way your wife鈥檚 self-esteem suddenly tanked, and about how much hope she鈥檚 putting into the fantasy that plastic surgery will fix it. Because you鈥檙e not saying, for example, that the way her eyelids droop has always bugged her and she has thought long and hard about what it would mean to be free of her self-consciousness about it. You鈥檙e saying she compared herself to other people for one single night and made a decision to go under the knife for some very expensive and painful procedures. It sounds like this came out of a sense of disgust with her current looks or maybe even competitiveness.
That said, while I love the way you reassured her that you find her beautiful, it鈥檚 misguided to assume that your opinion is the thing that matters most to her. I know that sounds mean, but I don鈥檛 intend it that way. It鈥檚 just that physical appearance鈥攁nd the extent to which we meet conventional beauty standards鈥攖ouches many more areas of our lives than our romantic relationships. Beauty is a kind of cultural capital that can affect how we鈥檙e treated by everyone we encounter, from potential friends and employers to the random strangers on the elevator with us. Everyone鈥檚 heard of 鈥減retty privilege,鈥 but it鈥檚 not always about having lots of dates or getting things for free鈥攑eople can be nicer to those who they think are attractive in tiny, subtle ways that make the world feel kinder and make life easier. As loving and affirming as you are, you can鈥檛 give your wife everything that she imagines might come with having the larger chest, tighter skin, and smoother under eyes she admired on her classmates.
So, in addition to saying, 鈥淏ut I鈥檓 attracted to you!鈥 (hopefully she knows and believes that), try to go deeper. You might want to say, 鈥淚鈥檓 a little worried about you.鈥 And while letting her know that whether to get surgery is her decision (assuming that鈥檚 how your marital bank account works), you can ask if she鈥檒l hear you out about your concerns.
Those might be things like, 鈥淭hat鈥檚 a lot of painful recovery time, and could really take a toll on you.鈥 Or 鈥淲hat about complications and infections?鈥 Or, 鈥淲ill you be OK if you hate the results?鈥 (There are reality shows all about this!) If she insists that anything would be worth it, ask if she鈥檇 consider thinking it over for six months or a year. This is what my mom did when I wanted a belly button ring at age 14. She promised that if I did all the research on what could go wrong, I could have it for my 15th birthday. Well, maybe that鈥檚 not the best example since I still got it done. But because your wife鈥檚 sudden interest in going under the knife seems to be an acute reaction to her reunion, I wonder if her interest might fade with time.
If she鈥檚 not on board with that either, then the best you can do is to try to understand more about what changes she wants and how she hopes she鈥檒l look and feel. Maybe she has longstanding insecurities that she鈥檚 never told you about. It鈥檚 possible she鈥檒l even get you on board with the plan! Whatever happens, you can鈥檛 go wrong by continuing to tell her you think she鈥檚 beautiful (if she does get the surgery, just remember to add, 鈥淎nd you always have been!鈥).
Classic Prudie
About five years ago, I lost my wife after a lengthy illness. The first year was hard, but I got through it thanks to my in-laws, who never stopped letting me know that I would always be part of their family. (My parents are no longer with us.) Six months ago, I met a wonderful woman I love and want to marry. My problem is that she is very twitchy about my relationship with my in-laws鈥