By Contributor Nicole Lipkin
Being misunderstood taps into our emotional baggage
One thing you can count on when you enter a leadership position is that you will at some point be misunderstood. No matter how much thoughtful consideration you put into getting your point across, how pure your intentions, there are too many factors at play for your plans to be foolproof. As you rise in the ranks, this will only become more true. The more visible you become, the more your decisions, your actions, and your words will be given more importance and consequently more often misunderstood.
You’ll want to believe the old adage: it’s not personal, it’s just business. The problem is that it is personal; it stings. It stings because it taps into our psychology.
Being Misunderstood Taps Into Our Emotional Baggage
One of the hardest parts of allowing yourself to be misunderstood is whatever baggage you carry within you, internally, on a daily basis. Needing to be understood taps into our sense of security, our need to be liked, seen, validated, and approved.
The need for external validation, however, is a dangerous road for a leader to travel. When you’re in a leadership position, it’s important to gather points of view, weigh the options, and then make the decision you think will be the best course of action.
Worrying how that decision will be accepted will affect the actual decision-making process and muddy the waters. You’ll find yourself trying to manage how others perceive you rather than the problem at hand. When that happens, you might find yourself overexplaining, backpedaling, and worst case scenario, not making a decision.
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You thus have to do some soul-searching to find where that need for validation comes from. Even if you don’t find it though, when that misunderstanding hits something tender in you, you’ll need to find a way to tolerate your own discomfort. That’s the tricky part.
You need to find a way to not only say to yourself “I know who I am, even if they don’t. And I can sit with the ache of that” but to really feel it. This might take some time, and that’s ok. You can at least practice by going through the motions, to feel what it feels like not being understood, even if you secretly crave validation.
Why This Is Particularly Important For Women Leaders
A 1991 study by psychologist Judith Jordan and her colleagues explored the idea that women’s psychological development isn’t primarily driven by independence and self-sufficiency (as it is considered to be for men), but by connection.
According to this relational model, growth for women is tied into having mutual, empathetic relationships. Moreover, their theory further posited that women’s emotional health is deeply tied to feeling understood and emotionally in sync with others.
You can see the conundrum here. For many women leaders, being misunderstood isn’t just a leadership issue, it’s a deeply entrenched psychological one. It creates cracks in the foundation of our experience of safety and self-worth. On a sidenote: recognize that this facet to our psychology isn’t a weakness, it’s a strength. It’s the very thing that makes women great leaders. Women are about community, empathy, and collaboration. These are all tenets of good leadership.
The problem is when our need to be understood outweighs the leading decisively. Then the internal battle begins. You may not even be consciously aware of it when it’s happening, though the signs of burnout will be undeniable.
The Pressure To Be Understood Leads To Burnout
Worrying about what others are thinking when it comes to your decision-making will cause you mental stress. It’s only a matter of time before that mental stress compounds with each new decision and you find yourself a victim of burnout.
Once the burnout creeps in, your executive functioning will suffer, which will affect your ability to lead. The effort exerted to constantly explain yourself, ensuring you’re understood, that everyone’s comfortable will inevitably deplete you.
What’s unique about this quality of burnout is it’s not just physical and/or mental, it has the added measure of identity crisis. As you start to shapeshift to be understood (and moreover accepted) you start to lose sight of who you are as a leader.
There is a way through – and out – however.
Six Ways to Lead Through the Discomfort
Reshaping your relationship with being misunderstood doesn’t mean you have to become cold, distant and disconnected. Rather, fortify your internal self so you can lead with self-assurance and clarity, even if others don’t get you. Here are a few suggestions to help you navigate the discomfort.
Know your “Why.” You rose to a leadership position because you are presumably able to make decisions, lead others, and you have a vision. Return to that sense of purpose. Remember your intentions and your values. They will be your beacon when you’re feeling misunderstood.
When the impulse to explain arises, pause. Let the discomfort sit for a moment. For starters, if it wasn’t explicitly expressed that you were misunderstood, you might not have been misunderstood. Allow yourself some space. It’s also a sign of respect to give others the space to process.
Feeling Disconnected Doesn’t Equal Rejection. This relates back to the study cited earlier. Just because someone may not see where you’re coming from doesn’t mean you’re losing their respect. Learn to separate disconnection from abandonment.
Address The Misunderstanding After The Emotion Has Settled. This isn’t a must-do either. But if the misunderstanding feels significant enough to address, revisit it once you’re not feeling tied up in the emotional weight of it. Mental clarity and a healthy indifference to the misunderstanding is your cue that it’s safe to revisit. The main point here is that not all misunderstandings need to be fixed in the moment.
You’re not responsible for everyone else’s filters. We all process life through our respective past experiences (childhood, adolescence, parenting, etc) and emotional wiring. Your actions are going to land differently on every single person they hit. Your actions are going to land differently on every single person they hit based on their life experience. Their misunderstanding of you might very well be about their own baggage.
Build Tolerance for Discomfort. While being misunderstood is never fun, it doesn’t have to take you down. It’s also one of many things in life that are uncomfortable. Allowing yourself to exist in discomfort without resorting to unhealthy coping mechanisms is how we grow. It’s how we become more resilient and consequently a better leader.
The fact of the matter is that being misunderstood goes hand in hand with leadership. It’s part of the deal. It’s not an indication that you’re doing something wrong or that you’re a bad leader. It means you’re a human being working with other human beings. When humans get together, expect misunderstanding.
You’re in the difficult position of having to make decisions that affect many. You have to set boundaries. You have to consider multiple points of view and courses of action. How would you not be misunderstood from time to time? Your job is to lead. Yes, lead with empathy, lead from a place of humanity, create psychological safety and a positive workplace culture, but also don’t lose sight of who you are. Keep fostering trust in yourself. Others may not understand your every move, but they don’t have to.
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