My wife and I have been together for five years and have been married for almost a year.
We both agreed early in our relationship that we wanted to have children, but never discussed a timeline.
I assumed we would start trying for a baby soon after our wedding, but my wife isn’t on the same page.
She has been so focused on her career lately that she barely has any time to see me, never mind carry and take care of a baby.
So I decided to sit her down and say that I think it’s time for her to quit her job. I make more than enough money to support us and our future children, so she doesn’t need to work.
My wife’s reaction shocked me. She blew up and told me that her job is more important to her than having children at the moment. Now, I’m rethinking everything.
I want children soon, and it seems like she’s in no rush whatsoever. My wife is 32, so her fertility is already starting to decline.
How can I convince her that having children is more important than having a job, and that it’s time for her to give up on her career and focus on starting our family?
And if she can’t be convinced, is it so wrong that I’m thinking I should leave her and find someone who wants the same things as I do?
Daddy desperation
Dear Daddy desperation,
I understand how difficult it must be to have the sudden, shocking realization that you and your wife are not on the same page about having children.
The fact that you assumed your wife’s timing was the same as your own is indeed a problem, but perhaps not one that is insurmountable.
Communication, or perhaps the lack of it, is inevitably what gets relationships into trouble.
Relationships thrive with clear communication and compromise.
You believe that your way is right, that your wife should give up her job and do what you want her to do. Meanwhile she believes she is right to pursue her career and fulfill her own needs, putting aside motherhood, at least for now.
I wonder if it’s possible for you to take a step back and acknowledge that your wife is not wrong, but that she has different needs. There is room for an open discussion between the two of you to clarify just what you can live with – and what you cannot.
While I don’t know whether the two of you should split up, I do encourage you to open your mind and try to see things from your wife’s perspective rather than jumping to the conclusion that children are more important than your wife’s career.
Empathy is crucial when trying to communicate effectively.
You also cannot make any unilateral decisions just because your wife isn’t on the same page. You must try to agree on a compromise for now. And while it may not appease either of you entirely, it should at least mean that neither of you is unhappy.
I have been with my boyfriend for over four years.
We got together at the end of our senior year in high school, then did four years of long distance while attending separate colleges.
Now that we’ve graduated, we have moved in together in an apartment in New York City, and everything has changed.
We were both so happy while doing long distance. We would value and appreciate the time we got to spend together, but we were also able to lead totally separate lives without depending on each other.
Living with him has made me feel suffocated. I have to tell him when I go anywhere and I never get alone time because he is always there.
I’ve also noticed little habits that I’d never picked up on before. He hums to himself under his breath constantly and it drives me insane. He never cleans up after himself when he cooks and he leaves his clothes all over our bedroom floor.
He has also become so clingy. Whenever I have plans with my friends, he asks if he can come, and he always chooses to go to the gym at the exact same time as me. Then he follows me around, copying whatever workout I’m doing that day.
We’ve only been living together for a month, so everything is still very new. Is this relationship salvageable, or do we need to break up before he becomes totally dependent on me?
Go the distance
Dear Go the distance,
Long-distance relationships can be joyous, precisely because it’s almost impossible to build true intimacy – with all the challenges that brings – when we are not living with someone.
It’s a bit like going on holiday with a friend. After all, you never really know someone until you go away with them. When you spend 24 hours together over a period of time you really start to see people’s idiosyncrasies.
It’s easy to be on our best behavior when in a part-time relationship, but the mask slips once living together – just as you are now discovering with your boyfriend.
I don’t know if your relationship is salvageable or not, but I do know that he will not change until you are brave enough to be open and honest about how you feel.
Hard conversations are, well, hard. But they are absolutely necessary for any healthy relationship.
The more honest we are, the more of a chance the relationship has.
You are not doing anyone any favors by trying to keep the peace by staying silent.
I urge you to reframe the conversation with your boyfriend as one that is in service of the four years you have spent together. Without that conversation, you’re quietly building resentment and dysfunction, and there will be no way for your relationship to survive.
There is clearly enough love between the two of you to have spent four happy years together. The only way forward is to tell him how you feel.
He may or may not be able to respect your boundaries, but if he is able, your relationship will likely be stronger and more honest. If not, then you have your answer.